19 Feb
19 Feb
19 February 1920
She dressed & went downstairs into the horrible hall because there with the monde drinking coffee & cigarettes she dare not cry. A little brougham drove up with an old dragging man. She got in. A la poste. Oh these little broughams, what I have gone through in them - the blue buttoned interior the blue cords & ivory tassels, all, all. She leaned back & lifted her veil & dried her tears. But it was no use. The post office was full. She had to wait in a queue for the telegrams among horrible men who shouted over her shoulder - horrible men. And now - where? A dose of sal volatile at the chemist. While he made it up she walked quickly up & down the shop twisting her hands. There was a box of Kolynos. It said Jack. Jack in her room, talking about the foam, saying he'd leave his. Four francs seventy-five.
She bought and drank the mixture, & now - where. She got into the cab, the old man hung at the door. She couldn't speak. Suddenly down the road on the opposite, looking very grave, came Jinnie. She crossed over & taking her hand said "Deo gratias." And then was silent a moment. Then she said suddenly "Come along & see Rendall now. Let's fix it now this moment." [KM Notebooks, dated February 1920 by J.M. Murry]