12 December 1920

12 December 1920

Villa Isola Bella, Menton, France

A letter has come from you in which you say you are ‘annihilated' & tell me of Madame la Princesse because you think your - - - what shall I call it - meeting her may have had something to do with my illness. Well, Bogey - please let me speak.
I told you to be free - because I meant it. What happens in your personal life does NOT affect me. I have of you what I want - a relationship which is unique but it is not what the world understands by marriage. That is to say I do not in any way depend on you, neither can you shake me.
Nobody can. I do not know how it is but I live withdrawn from my personal life. (This is hard to say.) I am a writer first. In the past, it is true, when I worked less, my writing self was merged in my personal self I felt conscious of you - to the exclusion of almost everything, at times. (All this is just outline.)
But now I do not. You are dearer than anyone in the world to me - but more than anything else - more even than talking or laughing or being happy I want to write. This sounds so ugly; I wish I didn't have to say it. But your letter makes me feel you would be relieved if it were said.
Cant we stop this horrible drama! I hate explaining myself: its so unnatural to me. It makes me feel indecent.
Let us quit ourselves like men.
Tig.
This is much harsher than I feel, but you compel me to speak out. It isn't even as I feel; its so crude. But I simply CANT - - - bear your lack of a sense of proportion. It will be the ruin of us both.

[To J. M. Murry in Collected Letters, December 1920]