5 Feb

5 February 1920

L'Hermitage, Menton - France

M. No F. Sent wire. Letter re Constable. Replied. Went for a drive. All way gay. The house & the girl. Couldn't work - slept again - dreadful pain in joints. Jack talks of insurance & ideas far from reality. Fearfully noisy house! Saw an orange tree, an exquisite shape against the sky. When the fruit is ripe the leaves are pale yellow.  [KM Notebooks]

Forgive me for saying this.
Will you remember when you write that I dont go out or walk or see anybody to talk to, that you are my ALL. I lie in a chair all day. I am not strong enough yet to walk at all - & so when you say things like -that about insuring your life & breaking your neck you have me at your complete mercy. Can you understand? Try to imagine it!! It is terrific torture - terrific. Dont you care about me at all? If I must bear it I must but Im nearly at the end of my tether when you say such things.
Thursday. In bed.
Bogey darling
I have just received your Monday letter written on the back of the Constable note and hasten to reply. In the first place your throat. How is it? I cannot know. I must just wait then. And that remark flung at me about insuring your life. I beg of you not to say these things. They are just like the most terrible frightful earthquake - much worse. My day breaks up into terrified pieces. You know that you know it quite well. Oh how CAN you. I dont understand. But one must be very careful and say nothing one would regret. I have no right to reproach you and I dont want to appeal to your pity - but my Bogey you make it very hard when you say such things thats all. (Everything I thought at the Casetta got ‘a long way from reality'.)  [To J.M. Murry in Collected Letters]