4 Feb

4 February 1920

L'Hermitage, Menton - France

Paid bill. Gouter. F. & M. A letter card obscure and later a telegram & another card obscure. Horrible day. I lay all day & half slept in this new way, hearing voices, drifting off. Heard from Ottoline. The attendance here is really abominable. Wrote to Jack about the G. Pension. No good. [KM Notebooks]

Bogey dear
[. . .] First about the £20. You will doubtless adhere to your intention in the letter card that it shall be an advance on my book - but you will see why I do not want that. If you can agree to allowing me £10 a month for my expenses while I am here I shall look upon this cheque as the first 2 months instalment. I could perfectly understand your money is tight had I NOT consumption, a weak heart, & chronic neuritis in my lower limbs. About the overcoat you will doubtless explain how you want it paid for. For I cant write about these things. Neither will I touch the cheque till I hear from you.
My darling, I cant write every day. I love you but something has gone dead in me - rather - no I cant explain it. Explanations are so futile - you NEVER listen to them - you know. I shrink from trying any more. Give me time - will you? Ill get over this. I get over everything but it takes time. But darling darling that doesn't make me love you less. I LOVE you - thats the whole infernal trouble!
Bogey I cannot have the German Pension republished under any circumstances. It is far too immature & I don't even acknowledge it today. I mean I don't ‘hold' by it. I cant go foisting that kind of stuff on the public - its not good enough. But if youll send me the note that refers to it I will reply & offer a new book by May 1st. But I would not for a moment entertain republishing the pension. Its positively juvenile and besides that its not what I mean: its a lie. Oh no, never.  [To J.M. Murry in Collected Letters]