23 Jan

23 January 1920

L'Hermitage, Menton - France

Saw two of the doctors - an ass, and an ass. Spend the day at my windows. It was very lovely & fair. But I was trying to work all day and could not get down to it. In the night had appalling nightmare. [KM Notebooks]

Dearest
I thought when I had sent my letter yesterday that you don't really know where we stand. The last letter I had from you was on a Wednesday and you contemplated spending the following weekend with the Waterlows to see the Lacket. Did you go? What happened? I know nothing after that until I received your letter about Wells yesterday. And what was the last you received from me I wonder? It is all terribly confusing. Have you got my cards of this place? Do you know how we stand? Oh, a hundred curses on the italian post. It is too distracting ....
[. . .] But never never shall I cut myself off from Life again. I haven't any illusions darling; I know all about it and am not really a baby saying ‘agoo-a-gah!' but in spite of everything I know il y a quelque chose . . . that I feed on, exult in, and adore. One must be, if one is a Wig, continually giving & receiving, and shedding & renewing, & examining & trying to place. According to you I suppose my thinking is an infant affair with bead frames and coloured blocks - Well its not important. What is important is that I adore you & I shall go up in flame if I do not show you these cornflowers & jonquils.
The day is cloudy - but it doesn't matter. Landscape is lovely in this light - its not like the sea. The mimosa great puffs of mimosa & great trees of red roses & oranges bright and flashing. Some boys are being drilled outside. The sergeant major keeps on saying ‘T''ois cinquante, n'est-ce pas,' & there is a most forlorn bugle.  [To J.M. Murry in Collected Letters]