19 July

19 July 1920

2 Portland Villas, Hampstead - London

Murry let fall this morning the fact that he had considered taking rooms with Brett at Thurlow Road this Winter. Good. Was their relationship friendship? Oh, no! He kissed her and held her arm and they were certainly conscious of a dash of something far more dangerous than l'amitié pure. And then he considered taking rooms with her ... He said "Doesn't Gertler live there too?" But Gertler never had the very beginnings of such a relationship with Brett as Murry knows.
I suppose one always thinks the latest shock is the worst shock. This is quite unlike any other I've ever suffered. The lack of sensitiveness as far as I am concerned - the selfishness of this staggers me. This is what I must remember when I am away. Murry thinks no more of me than of anybody else. I mean I am the same: the degree of his feeling is different but it's the same feeling. I must remember he's one of my friends - no more. Who would count on such a man! To plan all this at such a time and then on my return the first words I must be nice to Brett. How disgustingly indecent. I am simply disgusted to my very soul. .... [KM Notebooks, undated]