18 Jan

18 January 1920

Casetta Deerholm, Ospedaletti - Italy

No letters strike still on. A fine day. But what is that to me. I am an invalid. I spend my life in bed. Read Shakespeare in the morning. I feel I cannot bear this silence today. I am haunted by thoughts of Jack perpetually. Dickinson's flowers & dog. And then little Flock and dark- eyed Catherina!! All the flowers & the two dogs. They seem to be running in and out among the daisies and jonquils. Flock puts his paws on the bed "Oh that monkey" the sky & sea behind him, and the chill, smoky air. [KM Notebooks

Here is the flower you painted inside the cigar box - yellow & red. It is us: it smiles at me. It belongs to those two.
You were not made of steel. Oh, my Love, was I so heavy? If only you could ever know what I have suffered here in this desolation. But you will not listen: you will not hear - I ought to have kept quiet in my box. I am in anguish today - I keep on thinking & thinking - trying to remember the time in the garden trying to forget how you turned on me & upbraided me & said ‘God only knows what you do think'. Christ to have heard that & then to be alone. But on Wednesday all will be changed. This is goodbye from the Casetta. I cant see for tears.
I love you for ever. [To J.M. Murry in Collected Letters, 17 January 1920]