17 Mar

17 March 1920

Villa Flora, Menton - France

[. . .] I had a letter from Brett. I hesitated before opening. I felt it was not going to be pleasant . . . & it wasn't. She told me all about the ‘orgies' and the ‘drink' & the parties etc. I had known more or less before, but I do wish she had left me with my ‘less'. I could never never be part of such a world, dear Bogey,  however desperate I felt. A great gulf separates me from it for ever. And then that precious Arthur writes that HE thinks the sun has risen over the Heron and will never set. Well, I hope it wont, for him. I shall do my very best to make him feel it is there and bright and warm when I come home. Don't ever let him see the ‘orgies' or wine parties, will you Boge?

Poor Brett. She asks me to forgive her. Of course I forgive her - but she ought to take herself in hand. She cant afford to drift. And one cant fall drunk "into a Lav" & then talk of the beauty of Cinnamon & Angelica. I do feel so very deeply the need for dignity in this present Life. Its the only protest one can make - to be dignified and sincere and to - somehow keep love of human beings in ones heart. Really, its no wonder that people are so unhappy. Well, I cannot afford to judge any man. And after all I have lived another remote and different Life. My eight months are like eight years. The "girl you left behind you" really did die after all in that Casetta and is buried there for ever.
My dearest little mate - we shall have a month together in the summer all alone - and peaceful beyond words.

[To J.M. Murry in Collected Letters]