13 Jan

13 January 1920

Casetta Deerholm, Ospedaletti - Italy

Bad day. A curious smoky effect over the coast. I crawled crept about the garden in the afternoon. I feel terribly weak and all the time on the verge of breaking down. Tried to work could not work. At six o'clock went back to bed. Had a dreadful nightmare. Wrote Jack and Marie. [KM Notebooks

Bogey I am so sorry - when I have anything to explain to you now I have a kind of premonitory shiver - I see you turn away so quick and sharp ... but you really must please be patient with me now.
I do not want Marie any more. Ever since you left here this time ­ since this last ‘illness' of mine - (what the doctor calls acute nervous exhaustion acting on the heart) my feelings towards Lesley are absolutely changed. It is not only that the hatred is gone - Something positive is there which is very like love for her. She has convinced me at last, against all my opposition that she is trying to do all in her power for me - and that she is devoted to the one idea which is (please forgive my egoism) to see me well again. This time she has fed me, helped me, got up in the middle of the night to make me hot milk and rub my feet, brought me flowers, served me as one could not be served if one were not loved. All silently and gently too, even after all my bitter ravings at her and railing against her. She has simply shown me that she understands and I feel that she does.
Am I right in feeling you never would have disliked her had it not been for me? How could you have! I look back and think how she tried to run the house for us. She failed - but HOW she tried! I think of her unceasing devotion to us - her patience with me - her trying to help you and to efface herself when we were together. Who else would have done it? Nobody on earth. [To J.M.Murry in Collected Letters