11 Feb

11 February 1920

L'Hermitage, Menton - France

Mrs Dunn came in the afternoon & squeezed up on the chair or crouched on the floor. [KM Notebooks]

My Precious,
Your Saturday evening letter has come with the ‘explanation'. Dont say another word about it. Lets after this put it quite away. Yes, I felt in Ospedaletti that you refused to understand and I have felt since I have been abroad this time that you have turned away from me - withdrawn yourself utterly from me. I have felt like a person in an open boat, tossing about on frightful waves calling and crying to be saved & you have seen me from your ship & refused to see me or rescue me because you were not made of whipcord or steel. Yes, Boge, it has been a suffering such as I don't feel you ever could know. But its over and its taught me a lesson and I don't regret it. I could turn to it now and kiss it. I can't enter into what it has taught me but the difference is there. It had to be. If Im dead sincere I must say that I believe in the mystery: out of evil good shall come. But now - put it all away, my own. And you really must give up the word desperate with regard to our relations. Dont let it exist. Dont make an effort to love me - my silly darling - or to fly after enamel spoons. Just remember: That From Now I Am not ill. Because that is the truth. So lean on me, give me your things to hold, confide in me, worry me, treat me as your wife. Just rest on the thought of me. You are absurd when you say you are no good as a lover. That is just nonsense and its not fair to me. I dont want a slave and an admirer, my love. You would be a perfectly rotten slave & admirer. As a lover, you are - well simply you - just all my life and my joy and my pride.  [To J.M. Murry in Collected Letters