06 October

6 October 1920

Villa Isola Bella Menton, France

And there's this, too. But here I am speaking to myself. If I am to be what I wish to be I must not be rescued. Thats dead true. Bogey and I have chosen each other for lovers in this world, and I believe absolutely in our choice. But I believe the reason beyond all other reasons why we chose each other is because we feel FREE together. I know that, at the last, I do not put the lightest chain on him - nor he on me. I feel, if he were here now, if I gave up and said ‘come' there might be a danger - in fact the very cry is a denial of what I really really believe.
But its all mysterious, it all seems to belong to another country. This speech will not explain it. There are signs, silences, a kind of flowing from light to shadow. I can only say - my love, we shall stay as we are. I live for you. I will prepare myself for our life. Look into my heart. Believe in me. Would I sooner have Bogey here now. NO. (What a funny look¬ing no - a little bit gothic!) Oh dear oh dear. put your arms round me. Come at Christmas with candles in your hair - I want to hold you very tightly. I want to make you smile. I feel we are deathless when you write to me so. You HAVE come, Bogey; I say it again. You are here and now Im going to get up and work.
Let me not fail again. It is my dream to be here alone until Christmas and to do my work - to have a book ready by then. I shall begin my book today. Its just as though the ship had sailed into harbour . . . [Letter to J. M. Murry in Collected Letters 6 October 1920]